That Empty Feeling

I am living my best life … on paper. My relationships are flourishing. My social circle is robust and enriching. My job is evolving into my dream job where I’m getting to do more of what I love and less of what I hate. My childhood dream of traveling the world is increasingly being realized. I am finally comfortable in my own skin. I am relatively stress-free and have little to complain about in any area of my life. Yes. Indeed. I am living my best life … and I should be thrilled! So then why have I been feeling so unfulfilled?

Over the last couple of weeks a dark cloud of a haunting, gnawing emptiness has followed me around, tainting my experiences, hushing my buzz, inundating me with “surely there’s gotta be more to life than this” thoughts. Everything came to a head two Sundays ago. I went to church. The worship songs sung were ah-mazing! The band was flawless. The voices angelic. The melodies sweet. The presence of God undeniable. And what was my reaction to all that? A Big. Fat. Nothing! I was unmoved. Untouched. Unmotivated. A mere spectator; not a partaker. I recall standing there in silence with my palms clutching the top of the bench in front of me wondering to myself “Liz! What happened to you? Since when was this your reaction to such a dynamic presence of God?? You used to be so in tune with God! So smitten by Him!” I left church feeling even more defeated; even more perplexed at the source of my unfulfillment. Not wanting to dwell on negativity, I quickly focused my thoughts to the afternoon ahead. A dear friend was holding a surprise birthday party for her mom. I was excited at the concept of being around my community of friends. “They should lift up my spirits”, I said to myself – but nothing could have been further from the truth! Though I was surrounded by so many who love me and I love right back, I felt utterly lonely. Sad. Unfulfilled! (there is that word again!) I found the only quiet pocket in the house away from most people and I parked myself there, silent, totally at a loss of what was happening to me.

The next day. Monday. I slept early as I had to get to the airport early for a work trip. “LIZ!!” “Mmmm”, I answer groggily. I wake up from my deep slumber; interrupting my dream. Why is my husband yelling my name so loud? Did I sleep through the alarm? I half open one eye and see that he is fast asleep. His breathing confirms it. I fumble in the dark to find my cellphone on the night stand. 3:30 AM. I’m confused. If my husband didn’t call me, who did? I remembered the Samuel and Eli Bible story and wondered if God had called my name! I got scared at some point thinking He’s calling me to go home (much as I love my God, I am not quite ready to see Him face to face just yet). I decided to pray. But this wasn’t going to be a monologue. The One who called my name and woke me up in the middle of the night was more interested in a dialogue; an encounter that would leave me with eyes wide open and with an illumination of why I was feeling so unfulfilled despite all the evidence to the contrary.

You see, I have been caught up with the muchness of this life; distracted by all the noise. I remember when I first truly gave my heart to Christ at 18 years old. I was consumed by my love for Him. I recall running to church – much like one with a running stomach sprints to the washroom – so I can kneel down to pray; wanting nothing more than to know Jesus and what He was all about. I spent countless hours reading the Bible. I couldn’t get enough of Him. I was insatiable. When I look back on those days I feel a tinge of sadness. Sadness because try as I may, I’ve never truly been able to go back to that space; not with the same intensity; and definitely not with any kind of consistency.

So what changed? Passion! I lost my passion for God! Especially in the last little while. My heart is divided; my mind all the more so. Laying in bed in that dark room, I took stock of how I had been spending my free time – and I was disheartened; embarrassed. I park myself in front of the TV and obsessively binge-watch Netflix for hours on end. The other times you will find me aimlessly roaming back and forth through the time-consuming, mind-numbing streets that are our ‘beloved’ social media. Conversely, God, and the things of God (such as prayer and reading the Bible) have become an option; an option that often times gets relegated to the bottom of my priority list. Is it any wonder therefore, that I feel so unfulfilled?

John 6:35 tells us that The Bread of Life is the only One who can truly satisfy and fulfill. Whoever goes to Him will never go hungry, and whoever believes in Him will never be thirsty. As the song writer said: “Nothing in this world can satisfy me. Jesus you alone can fill me up. I could gain the world and all its treasures, but all those things would never be enough. It is your love, it is your goodness, it is your kindness and compassion that fills me up inside. It is your grace, your tender mercies, it is your presence in my life that satisfies.” The writer of Ecclesiastes explains it even better – the fact that everything under the sun is meaningless, unless Christ is at the center of it all.

Passion. The dictionary describes it as a powerful, compelling and barely controllable emotion, feeling or desire; a strong love; an extravagant fondness or enthusiasm. Passion is that thing you won’t stop talking about; that thing that you would gladly do for free; the thing that all but consumes you. I have witnessed passion at work. I recall driving to church at 7:30 am one Sunday morning. It was cold, it was pouring rain (and had been for a few hours), and I wanted nothing more than to stay in my bed that morning. I noticed a gentleman walking towards me. Dressed in full fishing gear. Hanging his fishing rod over his shoulder. He was walking away from the river, which told me he likely got there at 6:00 AM, on foot, in the dark, cold and rain. For his love of the sport, he sacrificed sleep, warmth, and comfort. He was passionate about fishing.

The bible admonishes us to remember the love we had at first (Revelation 2:4), because indeed, the love of many will grow cold in these last days (Matthew 24:12).

I liken a relationship with God to hopping into a row-boat. Our desired destination [becoming more like Christ and having a meaningful, intimate relationship with Him] is located upstream; against the grain. We have to constantly and consistently row otherwise the currents of complacency will send us back downstream; away from our desired goal; regressing us to a state of spiritual immaturity – where we are ineffective in God’s kingdom and in danger of succumbing to temptation. In my opinion, complacency is more dangerous than sin. In fact, the dictionary defines ‘complacency’ as “pleased with one’s situation, often unaware of some potential danger”. At least with sin there is an urgency and an awareness that repentance and changes need to be made, and fast, in order to get back in right standing with God. But complacency brings with it a false sense of security. “At least I’m still in the boat. I haven’t left”, we say to ourselves, not realizing that our inaction, indifference and lack of passion for God puts distance between us and Him. Complacency happens so subtly and slowly that it’s easy for it to go unnoticed until you’re too deep into it, and your relationship with God is strained and joyless. Let’s be on fire for God and steadfast in our belief and need of Him. Revelation 3:16 warns us that if we are lukewarm, God will spew us from His mouth.

So let me ask you what I’ve been asking myself? What are you passionate about? Where do you invest most of your free time, your energies, your devotion, your resources? For what thing or which person is no sacrifice too big, no obstacle too great, no discomfort too unbearable, and no price tag too steep? Against that backdrop, let me also ask us this: on our list of options, passions and priorities, where does Christ fall on that spectrum?

Jesus gave us the highest priority and He didn’t treat us like we were options. For His passionate love for us, He left heaven, veiled His deity, clothed Himself in humanity, suffered and sacrificed His life so that we could be with Him. In fact one of the definitions of the word ‘passion’ is “the sufferings of Christ on the cross”. If He can do that for us, why can’t we make Him a priority? Why can’t we reciprocate His passionate love for us?

God woke me up from my deep slumber literally and figuratively. It was His 3:30 AM ‘Seen to Unseen’ lesson for me. He woke me from my deep slumber physically in order to remind me that I need to wake up from my deep spiritual sleep. I should mention that try as I may, He didn’t allow me to fall back asleep, even after I told Him that He had already made His point and reminded Him that I had a full day ahead of me LOL. Even this in itself was a lesson that my comforts and conveniences sometimes have to take a backseat so that God’s will can prevail and that His kingdom may advance. And so therefore I pray that I, and indeed you too, will stay spiritually awake.

If we are willing to surrender ourselves to God, there’s no telling what He will do with us. As D. L. Moody so succinctly put it: “The world has yet to see what God will do with, and for, and through, and in, and by the man or woman who is fully and wholly consecrated to Him.” Read the quote again. Let it sink in.

Allow me to leave us with this undeniable, yet “inconvenient” truth: If something is important to you, you will make a way; if it is not you will make excuses.

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